Just When You Thought It Was Darkest

...today for the first time in my life, I'm feeling old and useless...

That was part of a posting that I started to write last night.  Today it seems so petty.  Funny how life can slap you upside the head sometimes.

I got a phone call early this morning.  It was my ex-husband on the phone.  He was rambling and the phone was cutting in and out since he was driving and both of us were on our cells.  I caught something about him going in for a check up like he did in 2008.  I was still half asleep and couldn't think of 2008.  "To the proctologist?"  Then  I remembered all that was pre-2008.  He said, "no...the psycho-therapy"

That woke me up.

 It was actually the fall of 2007.  We were recently separated and on our son's 8th birthday, my then estranged husband tried to commit suicide.

So he's on his way to the therapist.  He's running late and just calling me now to ask me what to do if they commit him.

 Send the kids here where they belong anyway!!!

We were on the phone for about 20 min and I swear he got lost at least 5 times during that time.  At one point he was saying, "Where the heck am I?"  I finally told him to get to his appointment and call me later so he could concentrate on the road.

I called my sister after I talked to him and she said he told her last week that he had been having suicidal thoughts and didn't want the kids to be the ones to find him.

Then send them back to me!

It's a long story about why he has them in the first place and I may go there in the future but for now it basically came down to money (him) vs no money (me).

I don't hate the man.  Now that the lawyer is gone, I feel sorry for him.  I don't want things to end like this, especially not for my kids.  So I hold my breath and wait.

Then, lucky me, I had an OB-GYN appointment scheduled.  Evidently the ablation I had done 10 months ago didn't take fully.  So we are doing another workup and then we'll decide what to do but since I may not have medical insurance much longer, I'm thinking of just biting the bullet and going for the hysterectomy and getting it over and done.

So yesterday's rain was nothing compared to today's thunderstorm.  Yet sooner or later, I'm sure I'll see another rainbow.